Recently, I’ve been challenged to submerse myself in the stories of Jesus. While I was on break at work tonight, I was busy scrolling through social media and decided to do something more productive. So I started reading in the book of Mark. It’s funny how different passages keep coming back. We read through this passage on Sunday, and it’s been in my head since.
35 That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” 36 Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. 37 A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. 38 Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”
39 He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
40 He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”
Mark 4:35-40 NIV
I used to read this passage and hear Jesus’ tone as harsh. I used to read it and think that Jesus must have been talking to his disciples in the same way that your parents talk to you when you don’t clean your room for the millionth time. You know, the kind that says “did you STILL not do what I asked?” with a hand on the hip or a finger pointed at you.
You see, Jesus had just spent several chapters healing people and casting out demons right before this. The disciples had seen him to miraculous things in person. Then, they panicked during a storm on the sea and Jesus was sleeping. When Jesus spoke “be still” over the waters, the storm settled and he asked the disciples this question.
I used to think the disciples were crazy for not trusting that Jesus would take care of them. I figured Jesus thought they were pretty crazy too. When I read the question of Jesus here, I admit I feel shame for the disciples. And honestly, I’ve experienced shame as a response to this question from God. As I was rereading this today, I stopped cold. Shame from Jesus? But Jesus doesn’t bring shame, he brings freedom from shame.
As I’ve been working and living in NYC, there have been several seasons of doubt and confusion about what God is doing with me here. I’m constantly working to pay rent, exhausting myself from working, and worrying that I’m not working enough to pay bills. I worry that I have to do more to make it, and I doubt that the Lord will provide.
But Jesus asks the question, “do you still have no faith?”
Because for the past 6-7 months, He’s continued to affirm me in the city and provide for me in some pretty miraculous ways. Like one time when I was finishing my last semester, I remember walking to my car one night in a panic. I didn’t know if I should apply for jobs in DC or take an unpaid internship in NYC. As I was walking in the parking lot of Reed Hall, it was as if I was walking down the streets of Manhattan. I could see the city and the lights. I felt the excitement of the city. The Holy Spirit was giving me a glimpse of what I was being called to do, and my anxiety literally disappeared. Or another time I moved to the city with no job or apartment and the Lord provided a job and people to stay with until I found a place. Or how each month I have just enough in the bank to pay what needs to be paid. There’s absolutely no denying that I have been called to New York for this season.
And yet I doubt and I question. I feel like the disciples, trapped in the midst of a storm, surrounded by fear, and asking Jesus “do you even care about me here?”
And Jesus answers them by saying “do you still have no faith?” He’s compassionate and loving, and so desperately wanting his disciples to believe that he is who he says he is.
“Hey Brooklyn, do you still have no faith even though you’ve seen me take away anxiety? Do you still have no faith even though you are living in the promise of my faithfulness?”
Jesus’ words bring me to repentance. I want to live in the freedom of knowing he is exactly who he says he is – that he’s the same God who has provided in the past – not the shame of my own shortcomings.
Friends, following Jesus is scary sometimes. Yet even in the midst of the hard seasons, He is still good. He is still compassionate and loving and gracious and faithful. As the old hymn goes, “turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.”