undone

I starting writing a new blog post over a month ago that reads like this:

I’m getting ready for a new season. I don’t know what will come next. I don’t know what it will look like in the next few months. I have no idea what God is stirring in my heart.

but I’m getting ready for it.

Which maybe surprises people, because I really like being in the know and I’ve talked a lot about really hating change and transition.

but I’m excited, and surprised about it.

I had the best day I’ve had in New York this week. Like, the BEST. I haven’t felt so connected and more alive since I’ve moved here.

I cried rereading it. I am not where I thought I would be 37 days ago. Everything feels as though it’s come undone. Imagine a liter bottle of water that has water constantly being poured in it. Every once in a while, a sharp object comes by and produces a small hole in its side. Eventually the small holes become larger and the water no longer stays in the bottle. I feel like that water bottle – constantly being emptied out and left with limited resources. I know I need to fix the holes. I know I need to process and deal with some of the issues that have come up regarding grief and trauma and identity. I just wish it didn’t leave me tired and drained.

So I’m entering into this next season more aware of my brokenness and humanity. I have more questions than answers and I am clinging to God’s promises like never before. The song “Goodness of God” by Bethel has been on repeat in my head these past few weeks.

“I love You, Lord
For Your mercy never failed me
All my days, I’ve been held in Your hands
From the moment that I wake up
Until I lay my head
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

And all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

I love Your voice
You have led me through the fire
And in darkest night You are close like no other
I’ve known You as a Father
I’ve known You as a Friend
And I have lived in the goodness of God, yeah!

‘Cause Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me
Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me
With my life laid down, I’m surrendered now
I give You everything
‘Cause Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

Sometimes it’s easy to get bogged down by the weight of the brokenness around me. Yet even in the emptiness I feel, I am equal parts hopeful. I’m trusting that the goodness of God is in my midst and that He’s got my best interest at heart. His goodness is pursuing me even here. I love how The Passion Translation says Psalm 23:5-6.

You anoint me with the fragrance of your Holy Spirit; you give me all that I can drink of you until my heart overflows. So why would I fear the future? For your goodness and love pursue me all the days of my life. Then afterward, when my life is through, I’ll return to your glorious presence to be forever with you!

I still don’t know what God is stirring in my heart. As a two on the enneagram, it pains me to admit that this season is going to require me to let others help me while I am unable to help in all the ways I want to be. Everything I thought September would bring is just not reality. But I am trusting that on the other side of this, there will be strength and confidence and a brighter light that can only be explained by the goodness of God.