It’s not even been a full month of 2021 and I find myself exhausted, confused, and excited. All wrapped into one, weird emotion. From a few COVID cases at work that led to extra shifts to new job opportunities to family stress to day-to-day life stressors, I find myself unable to keep up with anything or anyone. Which led to a hair appointment in an attempt to take care of myself and try something new.
Getting myself to this appointment took a lot of mental work. Pink is bold, and not a natural color. As a natural super blonde, I’ve been told my whole life to never touch my hair with dye because “people would kill for my color.” Just finding the confidence to do this seemingly small thing because I wanted to was a lot.
Unfortunately, my stylist and I weren’t exactly on the same page. By the time I made it down the street, I was full out crying most of my commute. Instead of the fun, bright, pink I thought I had asked for*, I ended up with icy, silvery, gray hair.
A side note: I sent the above picture to a group text of a few sweet friends, and one said in a voice memo, ‘You can’t have that face…the face is giving me ‘I f***ing hate it’ so…” So I tried a new picture the next day where I tried to like it more.
Update. I did not. I know it’s not that different or crazy, but it felt wrong. I felt like someone else entirely. Someone I am not. Honestly, this was the final straw that broke me. I already felt like I had dropped the ball in every other area, the non-profit work, my cafe, with my friends – all of it was suffering. And here we were. Unable to do something for myself with it backfiring. You guys, I spent a week feeling completely and utterly defeated.
During that week, my friends, roommates, and family tried to convince me to go back and have them fix it. I can’t quite pinpoint the reason I didn’t – maybe out of fear of conflict, the fear of being disagreeable, or maybe it was because I felt it as punishment for failing in the other areas? Other people said it looked fine, so I tried to agree. It sounds pretty crazy to write, but some combination of all of those things have been eating at me.
This week has been an eye-opening week. One that is bringing me to my knees. One that has forced me to acknowledge my limits. One that has surprised me. And one that has led to deep relief.
After some great therapy, I’m seeing how exhausted I am…again. And how this pattern won’t go away without some intentional efforts. After a coaching call that required me to throw away a lie represented by plastic in the garbage, I see how much I let other people’s opinion play into my decisions. After some conversations at work, I’m seeing how important self-reflection is going to be in the coming weeks as I look ahead towards a career. After starting a new book and talking with my fellow Analogs**, I’m finding better words for who it is I want to be.
You may be asking, “But how does this relate to your hair?”
Glad you asked 🙂
This week, I finally decided to schedule a new appointment with the stylist my mom goes to, to finally get what I wanted. When she was done and my hair was pink, I almost cried (maybe I teared up, whatever). I felt more like myself. Relief washed over me. That parking spot in the lot off of Hamilton became sacred. It was as if God himself was sitting next to me, reminding me that I was His, and that I am capable of taking care of myself and making good and adventurous decisions. All of this because I got pink hair. I don’t know you guys, it might sound crazy to you, but it’s been meaningful to me.
It’s as if allowing myself to be honest about what I want and need has allowed me to see more clearly. And stepping out to assert those needs doesn’t require me to carry everyone else’s thoughts on the matter.
Maybe you, like me, are tired of making the decisions of your life for everyone else. I encourage you and challenge you to sit with the Spirit as you move into a new season. Make that move that feels so much like you, even if others don’t see it. You aren’t alone and I’m cheering you on.
There’s a lot more to be written and they will, in time. I have some personal work to do as I figure out next steps, and my scrolling sabbatical has given me the time to work through it. If you are the praying kind, would you be praying for me as I work through fears, doubts, hopes, and dreams?
*I did some research before just dying my hair pink, and found this fun article if you want to read! Apparently I’m trendy now. People Are Dyeing Their Hair Pink During COVID-19 Pandemic — Expert Advice | Allure
**The Analogs are the ones with me on my scrolling sabbatical journey. For more info on that, check out this blog.
