Here we are, friends. 25 years of life. A quarter of a century old, if you will.
This has been without a doubt one of the hardest years of my life. From PTSD and heartbreak to a global pandemic and losing all illusions of control. As I’ve been reflecting this week, I can’t help but feel weird about where I am and where I’m going. Something about 25 feels significant. Maybe because it’s a milestone year you talk about throughout high school and college? “By 25, I want to…” And yet everything is not what I thought it would be.
In a moment of vulnerability, one of the biggest wrestling points this week has been around the expectations of marriage and family. When I look outside of my NYC community, I see mostly married (or seriously dating) 25 year old’s. Some have kids. Some buy houses. And I guess I always I’d be there, too. Most everyone in my family was married young, most Christian college friends are married. And that’s great, it’s just not my story. I feel as if I am paving a new way towards 30 that many of my friends and family didn’t experience. I’m not trying to make it sound like my experience is so unique that nobody would understand – because I know there are those out there like me, who feel alone in it. And maybe that’s the root of this birthday reflection. It feels lonely to be where I am, in the midst of a pandemic, being reminded on social media that I’m not like some of my peers.
From 24 to 25, there have been many tears and lots of reflective silence. There’s also been joys, however small. I traveled, took time for myself, and invested deeper into relationships around me. I’ve appreciated the changing seasons in ways I didn’t know possible. Easter and Christmas have regained meaning in my soul. Even in the pain, there has been light. Several friends and my counselor gave me the same encouragement this week – that I am growing and learning and becoming a healthier and whole person. It’s been painful. But God is with me, guiding me along the journey He has set for me. It’s not perfect and it’s not the journey everyone takes, but it’s mine. I am becoming more like the person I was created to be with every step forward, however difficult. I’m learning to love well, help altruistically, and care for myself better so that I can do the other things well.
If I could offer any encouragement to you, it’s this. Quit comparing your story to everyone else’s. You are not “behind.” You are not less worthy because you are single. Even here, you will not miss out on what is meant for you. You aren’t alone for feeling the ways you’re feeling. (Now to continue repeating that to myself…)
Even in the sorrow of the year, I am anxiously awaiting all that I will learn this next year. May Light continue to work in and through me as I become more like love.