Brooklyn's Manhattan

One year ago today I made a hard, but necessary decision. One that has made me cry the most tears, stripped me down to the core, and brought me the most peace. I quit my job at school, which maybe doesn’t sound like much, but I found myself letting go of something that I had so tightly gripped. I let go of something I took pride in and found my identity in. You see, Jesus was calling me to obedience and surrender. He asked me to choose Him and let go of an identity in helping others and performance (which rocked me as an enneagram 2w3). Will Reagan & the United Pursuit have a song called “If I Give It All” that put words to what I was feeling in that season. The lyrics say:

If I give it all to you, will you make me new?

If I open up my hands, will you fill them again?

This week has been a week of major reflection for me as I look back on 22. I started my 22nd birthday by looking my staff in the eyes and explaining why I was resigning. I spent 22 learning to rest. I took 22 to rediscover my identity in Jesus, not in my helping. It was 22 that the Lord spoke to my heart about ministry and New York City.

One year ago, I was empty. I had just given up my all. Today, I can look back and see exactly how I am being made new and how I am being filled again. Here’s to another year of being made new.

How do we live questionable lives? This is the question that has been following me around since I moved to the city. Since the beginning of my internship, I’ve been a part of a Forge cohort where we literally wrestle with this question every week. (Forge is an organization that is committed to mobilizing everyday people to be missionaries where they live, work, and play.) Something you’ve probably heard me say is how difficult it is be a Christian in this culture. I grew up in the Bible-belt Midwest, where people at least had context for church and Christianity. Then I went to a Christian college, where I lived in a safe bubble for four years, learning intellectually about Jesus, the church, faith, etc. And NYC is neither of those places. For the first time in my life, I am surrounded by people who don’t look like me, talk like me, or believe like me. It’s humbling. Hard, different, but humbling. And I’m learning more than I thought possible as I listen to the voices of those around me.

At a conference I attended this week, I was challenged by what one of the speakers said. He talked about how one of his friends challenged him one week. His friend said something along these lines: “When I ask how you are, you say tired. When I ask how things are going, you say you’re stressed. When I ask how your week has been, you say busy. You say you follow Jesus, but your responses are no different from anyone else.” That hit me. That hit me hard. Living questionable lives that point people back to Jesus means that my answers should be filled with the goodness of Jesus’ message, not the busyness and distractions of the world. Time and time again, Jesus takes time to retreat and spend time with the Father. He rests and calls us to that rest. But if my response to the chaos of life is the same exact response as someone who doesn’t have the hope of Jesus living in them, how is that good news? I’ve spent the past several years living a busy life. And it’s easy to live a busy and tiring life in the city. But part of living questionably in ways that orient people towards Jesus will require a different way of living. When I live rushed, exhausted, and busy, I miss out on opportunities to bless someone around me. I find myself not having the energy to extend an invite to gather around the table. I don’t have time to sit with the Lord and listen to His voice. I’m learning how to reclaim my schedule. I don’t have control over my hours at Juniors, but I can do my part to be well-rested and re-filled before I go.

Living a questionable life that following Jesus produces has opened my eyes to the lack of knowledge that some people have about Christianity. I’ve been asked if certain things are “Christian things.” Someone asked me if it was a Christian thing to save dating for marriage. I laughed, and we were able to have a good conversation about how my faith impacts my views on dating and marriage. It’s also led to lots of criticism as people don’t think my values on some things are actually helpful (like modesty). But in the midst of living life with people who are different from me, I am amazed at the ways the Holy Spirit is already working and moving in this city. Other followers of Jesus are being mobilized to live lives that point others to Jesus. When I walk through Times Square, I can’t help but imagine what it might be like if revival happened here. If the truth of Jesus was being lived out amidst the masses, how different would the messages be? And that encourages me to live in a way that lets others see glimpses of the kingdom of heaven here on earth.

Prayer Requests:

• for ResLifeNYC: for wisdom and discernment in the coming months and that God would continue to bless our ministry
• for the finances to continue living in the city
• for strength in the midst of hard and long hours at Juniors
• for continued movement in this city, that Jesus would be known in every neighborhood.

As I write this, I’m sitting in the Starbucks on Roosevelt Island, with the view of the Queens Bridge on one side, and Manhattan on the other. One thing I’ve remembered about myself is that I need little adventures to stay sane and the great thing about NYC is that there is SO MUCH to explore! Last week, I went to Greenwich Village/West Village to adventure, and today I find myself here – drinking an iced vanilla latte in a new environment.

The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind! I traveled to Indiana at the beginning of the month for my sweet friend’s wedding, where I got to see several more wonderful humans that I love more than I could put into words. Getting to said wedding did NOT go as planned and I ended up driving down with my brother, Jordan. But we made it eventually. When I walked in for the wedding and saw everyone’s faces, I was almost in tears, I was that excited to be surrounded by my Reed sisters – people I have worked with, cried with, laughed with, and lived life alongside. Aren’t they the cutest??

After the wedding, I made a quick trip up to Marion to see a few friends there, where I was reminded of the love and support I have from miles away. It was a much needed getaway from the city to refocus and refresh my heart and mind.

This week has been weird for me. This is the week ResLife training started at school, and for the first time in three years, I didn’t move into Reed Hall. Lots of my friends moved back in, and the reality that I’m not going back is starting to set in. Thank goodness for a diploma and being done with school, but it’s weird not being surrounded by my friends again. The reality that my summer is not just a break, but the start of my new adult life, is a weird reality to begin accepting and understanding. It’s not bad, and it’s not always challenging, but it’s definitely weird.

SOMETHING NEW:

THANK YOU to everyone who has been praying with me through the apartment searching season. I’m excited to announce that my roommates (Stephanie and Lois) and I found an apartment and have begun moving in! We are living in East Harlem in a super cute little apartment. After a really sad experience with an apartment that we didn’t get, I was pretty discouraged and very sad. The place seemed perfect, but the door slammed in our face right when we thought we had it. In the 10 days since that experience, we found a different apartment, got approved, signed a lease, and started moving in! To say these it’s been crazy is a major understatement. NYC real estate moves fast and I am so grateful for my housemates keeping me grounded in the process. If you want our address to send any snail mail, I’d be happy to send it your way.

Each week, new things pop up in my internship and I am loving it! I love getting to dabble in administrative tasks and curriculum writing and youth group prep and event planning. Something new for me coming up is the opportunity to co-lead youth group with Ivan! We are in the midst of planning and dreaming about what youth group will look like this year! I forget how much I love brainstorming until I’m in the midst of it again. We are going to have so much fun working alongside middle and high school students this school year!

SOMETHINGS LEARNED:

This is the hardest category for me to come up with because I am learning so much at the same time about ministry, being an adult, and the city itself. So this week, I’m going to write about a few things I’m learning. If you ever have questions about what I’m learning or want to hear more, call/text/message me because I’d love to share in more detail what’s going on here.

This week, I learned that the 4 train runs local late at night/early in the morning so I don’t actually have to get off at 86th street to transfer to the 6. (Yes, I learned that the hard way and it took me twenty extra minutes to get home.) I also have gone the wrong direction for several blocks when I felt really confident that I was going the right direction, so that’s been humbling.

Another lesson I’ve learned is that writing is really important for me in this season. Writing is one way that I can clearly process and make connections. It’s also a good stress-relieving outlet for me to put pen to paper. I don’t know how to make this a more frequent part of my rhythm, but I’m going to be more intentional about it. 

This week, I went on a walk around the theatre district before work. As I was walking and praying and observing, my heart broke for my work community. There’s so much passion and hard-work and talent around me, and people who are seeking success and reputation and acceptance. The Lord is reminding me of my heart for my theatre community from high school – I loved cheering for them and supporting them and listening to their heart for the arts. I never thought those experiences and joys would follow me past then, but here I find myself in the heart of Broadway working with aspiring actors/actresses/musicians/etc. I want to be known as someone who loves people well and cheers for and encourages them in the good and the challenging. I want to challenge people to be who God has created them to be, using the gifts and talents He has gifted them. I don’t know what this will look like moving forward, but I know that I’m exactly where I need to be in this season.

SOMETHING CHALLENGING:

It’s been challenging coming back to the city after my weekend in Indiana where I was surrounded by close community. As much as I love the city and know without a doubt this is where I should be right now, I miss having friends across the hall and around campus. In the midst of the feelings of loneliness, the Lord has been reminding me of His great love for me. We’ve been going through the book of 1 John in church, and I am constantly being reminded of that love. Because the love of my closest friends and support are further away and not as accessible, I’ve really been challenged to focus in on the way our Heavenly Father loves and satisfies that need in me. I love how The Message says this:

“If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.“Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.^“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” – Matthew 6:25-34 (MSG)

This passage continues to speak to my heart in the midst of the challenges of transition. Sometimes the Lord sends people to be His love and mercy and grace tangibly, and that’s definitely been true of my past few weeks, but I’m also challenged to be content when the Holy Spirit chooses to show me those things in the Word and in my quit time. He will provide, hallelujah.

SOMETHINGS TO PRAY FOR:

• for Resurrection Life NYC as we prepare for the fall: for wisdom and discernment and strength
• for Juniors and the theatre district: that light would break through the darkness
• for fundraising: that the Lord would continue to provide in miraculous ways for my year here
• for moments of quiet
• for authentic community and strength in the waiting

Your prayers mean more than you know. Thank you for supporting me and loving me from a distance.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a picture from the middle of an intersection saying “stay  tuned for a blog.” Now, I’m making time to write the words that have been jumbled around in my head for several weeks. While I’ve only been in NYC for a month, I feel as if I’ve been here so much longer. Each day is filled with new and sometimes challenging adventures, and I am learning (slowly but surely) how to navigate a new city and adulthood.

SOMETHING NEW:

Everything is new. But instead of writing a novel on every little new thing, I’ll just keep it to a couple brief “new” updates. A couple of weeks ago, I started a new job as a host at Junior’s Cheesecake in Times Square! Although the restaurant industry is not a long-term goal/dream of mine, I do the work I have to do so that I can do the work I want/feel called to do. Working in the restaurant has been such a blessing though, even in the midst of the challenges because I am meeting new people and building relationships in a new context. I love hearing the stories of the people I work with – auditioning actors and musicians performing around the city whenever they can; college students finishing degrees in the arts or other areas who love living and studying in NYC. Even though tourists are pretty much the worst, working alongside such passionate people is inspiring.

SOMETHING LEARNED:

I’m really grateful for the lessons I have been learning in the past year or so, especially as they relate to finding stillness and rest. After I posted a picture of the sunrise over the city, as I stood in the middle of the street, I realized how important finding that quiet really was. I am learning what it means to cultivate rest in a busy city when it’s so counter-cultural. I thought I would never be able to identify the need for rest before I reached a breaking point, so not only is this a great learning point, but it feels like a big personal victory.

Another something I’ve learned/am continuing to learn is the culture of New York City. This place is unlike anywhere else I’ve ever lived. Even though my family frequents the city, there’s something so unique about living here. People think differently and live differently than what I am used to. Because of this cultural difference, I’m learning how to show the light of Jesus better and in my context. As I go through missionary training over the next 6 months, I’ll continue to learn how to approach my context in love and with grace and truth.

SOMETHING CHALLENGING:

In the midst of this challenging transition, the Lord has been teaching me so much about who He is and showing me more of His heart. For those of you who know me, you know transition is not an easy thing for me (is it or anyone?), and this transition has challenge me from every angle. The words of Hillsong’s “New Wine” have really stuck out to me recently:

In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making
New wine
In the soil, I
Now surrender
You are breaking
New ground
You are breaking
New ground

Make me Your vessel
Make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing
But all You have given me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me

I came to New York with close to nothing – no income and no apartment and no community – and I have had to be reliant on the Lord in ways I have never had to before. I feel the weight of the crushing and pressing as I learn to trust more and love big. In the spirit of full transparency, I am having a more difficult time trusting that the Lord will provide community than I am for finances/apartment/job/etc. I miss my IWU friends. I miss seeing friends who know me better than most on a daily basis. I miss the familiarity of campus life. In the midst of my anxiety and sadness, the Holy Spirit uses this song to remind me of His calling over me. It doesn’t make the sad emotions go away, but it gives me clarity of purpose all over again. Some day, I hope it gets easier.

SOMETHING(S) TO PRAY FOR:

• for Resurrection Life NYC as we prepare for the fall
• for the right apartment door to open – we’ve started the process of applying and are trusting the Lord to provide in His perfect timing
• for fundraising – pray for provision and patience as I eagerly await God’s provisions
• for moments of quiet
• for authentic and true community

In less than 2 weeks, I will be in New York City, starting my new job at ResLife NYC! Time has flown by since graduation and these next few days will go just as quickly. My family and I took an evening trip to the city last Friday, where I visited as a tourist for the last time. I sat with Jenn in Starbucks as we talked through aspects of my new job and brainstormed together. I walked through Upper East Side/Yorkville while FaceTiming my friend, giddy with excitement that I would call the city that I love home.

As I’ve been thinking about how to keep my friends and family posted on my adventures in NYC, my good friend Laura suggested a template for my blog (huge shoutout, seriously, so helpful). I’m hoping to give an update every other week, talking about something new, something learned, something challenging, and something to pray for. So here is my first post-college update about where I am, what’s going on, and how you can help!

SOMETHING NEW:

Although this isn’t necessarily new, I wanted to restate what I’m going to be doing in case you haven’t heard yet! I am going to work at Resurrection Life NYC, a year old church plant in Upper East Side/East Harlem in Manhattan, NY (check them out here). As the ministry intern, my year will include lots of learning opportunities. Because I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up quite yet, Branden and Jenn (the pastors at ResLife) are giving me so many chances to explore various ministry areas (youth, small groups, preaching, hospitality, and on and on the list could go). While I’m there, I also will be a part of Redeemer City-to-City’s Apprenticeship program. The mission of City to City is to “equip young leaders with a deeper understanding of the gospel, their calling, and the city” (check out their website here for more information). This is going to give me such great opportunities to network in the city and build relationships with other people my age doing similar things. On top of that, I will get to engage in Forge America’s residency program. Both of these additional opportunities are going to help develop me as a Christ-follower and leader and I am SO excited to share with you along the way.

SOMETHING LEARNED:

In the past couple of weeks, I can now say that I am called to ministry, without a doubt. It’s funny because this has been a year (or ten) in the making. But when I was at District Conference of all places, I felt such a deep sense of urgency to be the light and love of Jesus in New York City. Some of you may be reading this and chuckling a little to yourself as you think to the last couple of years, and I’m with you. The crazy attitude transformation that has happened in my heart towards church ministry since going to college is quite the transformation. And District Conference is where it all the pieces clicked in a new way for me. In this, I am learning that the church is messed up and broken. People disappoint. But the hurt I’ve experienced does not have to become me. I will have opportunities to lead differently and love better because of those experiences. I’m not perfect, and I will disappoint others. But I’m excited to learn how to love authentically in the midst of brokenness.

SOMETHING CHALLENGING:

Money is tricky. Finding a second job in the city is proving to be challenging. And apartments don’t run cheap in Manhattan. When I took this job, I knew that I would not be getting paid. This has never been a deterrent for me because I know so confidently that this is where I’m supposed to be. Something that is challenging for me is fundraising. I thought I would be fully funded by now, but what I had lined up fell through. So with only a few weeks to go until I’m living in NYC, I still need to raise $14,000. Broken down, that means I still need 40 people to sponsor me $100 and 35 to sponsor me $250. If you would like to partner with me in this, you can give online here. All online gifts will be administered by Trinity Wesleyan Church and are tax deductible.

In the midst of this challenge, there are several blessings that the Lord is providing at just the right times. I was offered a temp job during the month of June working in Allentown, which has provided an income that I was not expected and I have free housing for the first little bit of my internship, which gives me some wiggle room in finding an apartment. GOD IS GOOD.

SOMETHING(S) TO PRAY FOR:

• for Steph (my roommate) and me as we begin apartment hunting – pray for discernment and wisdom in the process
• for fundraising – pray for provision and patience as I eagerly await God’s provisions
• for a job – pray for an open door and the right opportunity where I can meet people in my community

I could not do this without the love and support of my friends and family. Thank you to all of you who have offered encouragement, given financially, and shared with me in my excitement. While there are several loose ends left to tie up, I believe that God will provide in miraculous ways. To Him be the glory.

One year ago today, I moved to corner of 11th and H to begin my new adventure as a City Host in DC. When I started with CSM, I didn’t expect to fall in love with urban ministry. DC changed the way I looked at people who are different from me and the Lord used those experiences to break my heart for what breaks His. I didn’t leave the same.

And here I am, one year later, nowhere close to where I thought I would be. You see, the Lord has been reshaping the desires of my heart and I am so interested to see what this next year will look like.

Back in December, I resigned from my position as Assistant Resident Director. Throughout the entire fall semester, the Lord had been asking me if I would be willing to give ResLife up. I didn’t understand and I struggled through that decision. For two and a half years, I had rested my identity in my performance as an RA and ARD. I was ResLife and I enjoyed that identity. But that all came crashing down when I realized I was at the very end of myself, with nothing left to give. I was exhausted and burnt out. So I eventually opened my hands and released that piece of myself to the Lord.

Because of that decision, I had a lot more time second semester to explore my post-college options and felt nudged to send some pastors a note to see if they had room on their team for me. I did not send that email quickly and I hesitated for a week or so before sending it because I did not want to work at a church. I had seen too much of the church and been too burned by it to ever want to work in it. But I eventually sent the message and the rest is history.

Over the course of a few months, the Lord did some crazy work in my heart and gave me an inkling of a desire to serve His church. When I gave up the things I was holding onto, the Holy Spirit was refilling me like only He can.

It’s funny how God’s humor works sometimes. I had been placing my identity so strongly in ResLife (residence life) and in my job there. When I gave that up, I was confused and oh so empty. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to do anymore. Then, the Lord opened a door for me at Resurrection Life, or ResLife, NYC. I laughed, teared up a bit, and thanked God for the process.

Now, I am preparing to move to NYC to serve as a ministry intern at a church. This opportunity will give me chances to explore different areas of ministry in order to refine my passions. My desire is to create safe spaces where authenticity thrives and people feel loved and seen in Jesus’ name so that they may stand confidently in their calling. I’m still funneling my options, but what better way to figure it out than learning by doing.

I wish I could say I’m not afraid and I have no doubts moving forward, but I would be lying. Transition is not an easy thing for me, and there have been a lot of transitions in such a short period of time. Saying goodbye to the places and people that have influenced my story and leaving the community I spent four years establishing has not been easy. I’m nervous about moving into a new community where I don’t know many people. Starting over is scary. Standing in the in-between is uncomfortable. Yet even in the midst of my fear, God is faithful. He continues to provide confirmation and clarity into the next step.

It’s amazing how life-changing this past year has been. Here’s to another one!

January 21, 2018 is not a date I will soon be forgetting. Today I decided to be baptized at my college church, and let me tell ya, it’s been a wild day.

Even though my family couldn’t be here (thank goodness for technology though!), I have some phenomenal friends who are my college family (sorry mom, I forgot to get a picture of all of us). When we were sitting in worship tonight, I kept looking up and down my row and tearing up because of who these women are. I would be doing you an injustice if I didn’t explain:

Casey challenges me more and more to honor Jesus with all that I am.

Mak challenges me to seek Jesus first and lean on Him.

Christina challenges me to see myself through Jesus’ lens, not the lens of the world. And constantly reminds me that God abides in honest, vulnerable communication.

Bethie challenges me to choose joy because the joy of the Lord is my strength.

Emily challenges me to live authentically and obediently for the sake of the Kingdom.

There are a few more that I wish could have been there because of their impact on me and my faith, but I know they are thanking the Lord for this bold step of obedience from where they are. I am beyond blessed to call these women my friends. They point me to the foot of the cross, and I am forever thankful for who they are.

I was asked to write a blurb about why I wanted to be baptized and what the Lord had been teaching me and how I ended up at today, and my first draft was too long. So was the second draft. I finally ended up with a six (ish) sentence story, but I figured this would be the best place to share the entire thing. So, for those of you wondering – here’s the scoop:

I don’t remember a time when I didn’t know Jesus. I grew up in the church and both of my parents are pastors. Baptism has always been taught and emphasized but I always felt pressured into it, so I stubbornly held my ground that I would not be baptized until I made the decision for myself. Each year, I pick a word for the year and my word for 2017 was obedience. And let me tell you, lessons in obedience are hard. I could tell you story after story of how God asked me to obediently follow where he was leading, but we would be here all night. Over the past year, anytime baptism is mentioned, I felt prompted to sign up, but always came up with an excuse and said “next time.” In fact, I was going to sign up for this baptism service a while ago, but had a great excuse that I would be out of town. Then, my plans changed last minute and I signed up to serve for the 10:30 service and this one. While sitting in the earlier service, the Holy Spirit directed me to old church notes in my journal where I had written “delayed obedience is actually disobedience.” And I knew that I needed to do this. My word for 2018 is wholehearted. And baptism is the perfect way to start a year that will be marked by wholeheartedly pursuing the Lord. I’m getting baptized today because I love Jesus more and more each day and I want others to see Him through my obedience. All I am is for His glory.

Starbucks has proven to be a great retreat this semester. I’m currently sitting in the heart of center city Allentown, reflecting on the numerous times I’ve sat in Starbucks over the past semester – sometimes to catch up on homework, other times to get off campus for a one on one, and still other times to process the messes that accompany authentic community. In the midst of it all, I have learned more and more about who God is and how He calls us to be His hands and feet.

Throughout the semester, I’ve been writing about the lessons I’m learning in presence and vulnerability in some of my other posts. My friends have heard me say “I hate vulnerability” probably every other day. But even though I hate it, I desire and value vulnerability in my relationships. I took on a new motto this semester: I’ll bring my shovel. Essentially, this means that I choose to stand in the junk with someone and that I’m not going anywhere, even when the darkness is overwhelming. I read a book this year called “Community is Messy” and truer words have never been spoken. People are messy and relationships are messy. Living in a residence hall and doing life with other women is messy. And this semester has challenged me to embrace the mess. One of my dear friends has been telling me that God abides in honest, vulnerable communication for over two years now. And this semester, I saw that statement lived out more clearly than any other time. I continue to learn more about the power of presence by choosing to be present and by others choosing to be present with me. Vulnerability and presence have been lived out in the midst of a really cool group of people. The way our lives have intertwined is a total God story. These pals encourage me, call me out on my BS, and constantly are pointing me back to the foot of the cross.  We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs and I am constantly learning how to be a better friend (which is a very humbling experience, let me tell ya). When the Lord calls you to relationship, it’s worth it. Even in the mess.

When I picked my word for the year back in January, I knew I would be challenged. But I had no idea that I would be ending the year where I am. Obedience is more than just following rules – it’s living out a call. As I was working on an assignment for my theology class, I came across a powerful quote by John Stott. He says:

 “Christian obedience is unlike every other kind of obedience. It is not the obedience of slaves or soldiers, but essentially the obedience of lovers who know, love and trust the person who issues the commands.”

I can pinpoint exact moments throughout the past several months where I got to say “yes” to what the Lord was asking. I said yes to going back to school when I had an opportunity to stay in DC for the year. I said yes to graduating in April by changing my major. I said yes to presence when it was easier to walk out. I said yes to hard decisions, trusting that the One who called me will sustain me. Obedience has not been an easy journey. One of my friends reminded me that Jesus modeled so perfectly this “hard obedience.” Dying on the cross sure wasn’t painless, and was the ultimate sacrifice. Yet Jesus chose to do the will of the Father. I’m thankful this season for a God who can relate to obedience that costs us something.

As I look forward into next semester, I have no idea where life will take me. I am walking into this new season with little direction and endless opportunities. The lyrics of Kings Kaleidoscope’s “Trackless Sea” are my prayer when I become overwhelmed with thoughts of the future.

Jesus, the calm that fills my chest
This peace unstirred, this joy of rest
My weary soul has found a charm
Within the shelter of your arms

In desert wastes I fear no dread
I care not where my way is led
Fearless I walk the trackless sea
Since all my life is life with Thee

I’ve chosen obedience. And each day, I get to choose to fearlessly walk the trackless sea. I know that the Lord is guiding my next steps even though I can’t see them. This next semester will pass much faster than I want it to, but I’m excited to see what next looks like. To God be the glory.

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.”
Romans 12:9-16

Loving people is not easy.

Accepting love from others is not easy.

Loving people through the junk is not easy.

Love is not easy.

If you’ve read any of my recent blogs, you may be picking up that this season of obedience is not exactly a walk in the park. The Lord is continuing to stretch me and grow me in ways that I could not have imagined for myself. And yet, this season is exactly what the previous ones have prepared me for. As I’ve been reflecting on where I am and where I am going, I am starting to see where God used circumstances and people and challenges to prepare me for the here and now.

I read a quote this week by Tim Keller that has stayed close to my heart. He writes,

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

When people love us based on the shallowness of their knowledge of us, it doesn’t feel real. “If they only knew _________, they wouldn’t love me anymore.” Vulnerability is a steady theme of this season. We can be so paralyzed by the fear of being known and not loved that we choose to build more walls and push more people out. People hurt us, and they don’t always love well. They break our trust and wound our hearts. We hurt people and sometimes don’t love them well. We break their trust and wound their hearts. Instead of dealing with the heartache, we become professional wall builders. And our walls become so carefully constructed, that we may even give people the impression that they know us, but upon reflection, they do not (I’m pointing at myself here).

But how can we get to the place of learning to fully know and truly love?

I definitely do not have the answers and I am constantly seeking the Lord to know how to do this well. I fear letting people down and not loving enough. I want to be perfect in this area, but I’m a flawed human being who has messed up and will continue to mess up. As I learn to love well as I know more about a person, I see how crucial it is to trust God with that person. When I lay down my sweet friends at the foot of Jesus, I am loving them well. When I ask the Holy Spirit for the strength to be present at 1:30am, I am loving them well. When I am consistent in my presence, I am loving them well. When I take care of my own needs, I am loving them well. I cannot love well on my own strength and I am humbled by this truth every single day.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – I want to be a safe place for people to be who they are. Someone who gives people the freedom to let down their walls and not be afraid that I will love them less. I want to learn to truly love like Christ loves.

Thank you Jesus for loving me well and continually teaching me how to love others.